I did what I've been dreaming about for so long & it was so amazing I will never, ever forget it & will be eternally grateful that I got the opportunity to do it.
I'm in deeper than I was when I last wrote too which is troubling & wonderful all at the same time. It's scary & exciting & I feel butterflies all the time. Good & bad butterflies.
I know I'm going to get hurt but the alternative would be to turn my back on this & not allow myself to feel what I feel now because I know it will end eventually. Everything always does.
That is precisely why I'm living & doing instead of questioning & hesitating. Because in the end when it's over I'll at least have the memory of how it felt once, how wonderful it was.
I feel all that now. The excitement, the longing to be with him, the memory of being in his arms that makes my face get pink & my stomach flutter.
We kissed for the first time & we might have kissed for the last time too, who knows? But I'll always have that. & I'll make it be enough.
Everything feels weird now. Changed. I got used to how it was with him & now I have to let that go or have this constant sadness & pain & longing for him & I don't want to. I've always been a happy person, content with very little. I don't want my happiness to depend on him now, I never want to be that girl, I've never been that girl, & I refuse to be now.
I don't know what'll happen in the future but for now I know I had an amazing & beautiful time with him. I got to love & be loved by the person I've wanted for a while now & it was as magical as I could ever dream.
Anything else I will take as it comes.
(-.-)
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