I want...

Life is extremely boring at the moment. I need to get my crap together & do what I was doing before so can get to feel like I did before.

I've lost a friend & I don't think I'm getting him back. He's been horrible to me so I don't want him to be my friend like this anyway. But someday I might miss him.

This month has been odd. I want it to end. I want to change it.

I have so many wants right now.

I want to leave, just pack & go. Anywhere. Everywhere.

I want to feel happy with my life.

I want to be content with what I have.

I want more money.

I want more time off from work.

I want him to tell me he misses me.

More than anything I want to feel like me again.

So that's what I'm going to try for.

(-.-)

Butterflies, kisses & him

Well it's been a while. I've had major experiences in my life since I last wrote.

I did what I've been dreaming about for so long & it was so amazing I will never, ever forget it & will be eternally grateful that I got the opportunity to do it.

I'm in deeper than I was when I last wrote too which is troubling & wonderful all at the same time. It's scary & exciting & I feel butterflies all the time. Good & bad butterflies.

I know I'm going to get hurt but the alternative would be to turn my back on this & not allow myself to feel what I feel now because I know it will end eventually. Everything always does.

That is precisely why I'm living & doing instead of questioning & hesitating. Because in the end when it's over I'll at least have the memory of how it felt once, how wonderful it was.

I feel all that now. The excitement, the longing to be with him, the memory of being in his arms that makes my face get pink & my stomach flutter.

We kissed for the first time & we might have kissed for the last time too, who knows? But I'll always have that. & I'll make it be enough.

Everything feels weird now. Changed. I got used to how it was with him & now I have to let that go or have this constant sadness & pain & longing for him & I don't want to. I've always been a happy person, content with very little. I don't want my happiness to depend on him now, I never want to be that girl, I've never been that girl, & I refuse to be now.

I don't know what'll happen in the future but for now I know I had an amazing & beautiful time with him. I got to love & be loved by the person I've wanted for a while now & it was as magical as I could ever dream.

Anything else I will take as it comes.

(-.-)