I need a pensieve...

I'm at work. Not working of course. :)

I have a million thoughts in my head right now, buzzing around, annoyingly clinging to every part of me & driving me to distraction. I get on the wrong freeways, take the wrong exits. I need to get my crap together.

I'm supposed to figure out what to do, what would be best for me. How the hell does one go about figuring that out? I'd vowed to live my life, just live. No thinking, no hesitating. Just doing, following my heart & instincts. Now I'm being asked to think. & I don't know what I think.

I don't know what to do. I just wish things could remain as they were. But everything changes eventually doesn't it?

Say goodnight Gracie!

Goodnight Gracie.

(-.-)

Time

Time is standing still. & running from me. I don't know what to think anymore. Do I want it to speed up? Or stop for me? A little of both I think.

I'm planning to go again & a big part of me thinks maybe I shouldn't. I know I'll go though. Consequences be damned.

I should hold back, end it now & walk away while I'm still intact. Except maybe I'm not anymore. I feel different so it might be too late already. I'll just have to carry on & hope not to break.

I had a pretty stressful & busy 4 days which is ridiculous because it was supposed to be a bit of a vacation. I saw some beautiful sunsets though & that was worth all the other stuff.

My head feels crowded. I wish I could have a day to myself.

(-.-)

I want...

Life is extremely boring at the moment. I need to get my crap together & do what I was doing before so can get to feel like I did before.

I've lost a friend & I don't think I'm getting him back. He's been horrible to me so I don't want him to be my friend like this anyway. But someday I might miss him.

This month has been odd. I want it to end. I want to change it.

I have so many wants right now.

I want to leave, just pack & go. Anywhere. Everywhere.

I want to feel happy with my life.

I want to be content with what I have.

I want more money.

I want more time off from work.

I want him to tell me he misses me.

More than anything I want to feel like me again.

So that's what I'm going to try for.

(-.-)

Butterflies, kisses & him

Well it's been a while. I've had major experiences in my life since I last wrote.

I did what I've been dreaming about for so long & it was so amazing I will never, ever forget it & will be eternally grateful that I got the opportunity to do it.

I'm in deeper than I was when I last wrote too which is troubling & wonderful all at the same time. It's scary & exciting & I feel butterflies all the time. Good & bad butterflies.

I know I'm going to get hurt but the alternative would be to turn my back on this & not allow myself to feel what I feel now because I know it will end eventually. Everything always does.

That is precisely why I'm living & doing instead of questioning & hesitating. Because in the end when it's over I'll at least have the memory of how it felt once, how wonderful it was.

I feel all that now. The excitement, the longing to be with him, the memory of being in his arms that makes my face get pink & my stomach flutter.

We kissed for the first time & we might have kissed for the last time too, who knows? But I'll always have that. & I'll make it be enough.

Everything feels weird now. Changed. I got used to how it was with him & now I have to let that go or have this constant sadness & pain & longing for him & I don't want to. I've always been a happy person, content with very little. I don't want my happiness to depend on him now, I never want to be that girl, I've never been that girl, & I refuse to be now.

I don't know what'll happen in the future but for now I know I had an amazing & beautiful time with him. I got to love & be loved by the person I've wanted for a while now & it was as magical as I could ever dream.

Anything else I will take as it comes.

(-.-)

Fireworks

I can hear fireworks going off out there. I saw some pretty ones earlier while on the freeway.

I should have gone to the beach or something, I bet they look amazing over the water.

Too late. I'm home now & very comfy so maybe next year.

I'm extremely happy to be off work tomorrow. I'm going to try to finish reading the book I started yesterday.

I had a nice day today. The best part was the part that's getting me deeper & deeper into the place I shouldn't go. I'm going to get hurt eventually and I really don't want to. Still, I can't back off, I can't distance myself from what's happening because though scary it's also quite wonderful.

I feel so alive & excited for the first time. I won't regret anything even when I get my heart broken because to feel like this is worth the pain I'll feel later.

A lot later I hope.

(-.-)

Yay!!!

I'm so excited about this but I'm not even telling anyone yet. I don't want it ruined for me. He especially will ruin it. He'll have nothing but bad things to say, negative things. He's too selfish to be happy for me.

I'm finally going to do what I've been dreaming of since I was a child. It's going to be the best experience of my life!!!

But all he'll see is me leaving him, living my dream while all he does is talk about his. He'll see me being happy & having fun with someone else & he'll think he lost me.

Truth is he never had me.

(-.-)

still waiting...

I'm waiting. An hour & 15 minutes till I have to go.

I couldn't find the movie I wanted to rent on itunes. Fragments. I should have rented it at blockbuster. I saw it there earlier then decided I was too lazy to have to return it in a couple of days & figured itunes was more convenient.

Except itunes doesn't have a lot of the movies I want. Which isn't at all convenient.

Itunes, you suck.

I just saw a video of Katie Holmes getting punked, it was kind of funny. She was so cute. I would have totally told on the cheating pig. Nah, not really. I would have just gotten up & left & stayed out of it.

I'm so hungry. I've forgotten what food tastes like. I haven't eaten in almost 24 hours & by the time I leave the dentist I'll be in so much discomfort I won't be able to eat. Damn this procedure.

I'm gonna go look up pictures of yummy food I can't eat now.

I love sandwiches. I'll look up pictures of delicious sandwiches oozing melted cheese off the sides of the bread, grilled veggies all toasted & smelling so good.... ahhhhhh.

Why do I torture myself?

(-.-)

Sick day

So I'm feeling good even though I shouldn't. I'm off work because I'm sick but I also feel quite peaceful. I think it's because I almost never call in to work due to sickness, I don't like to burden my employers. The last time I did might have been 2 years ago. It's kind of nice.

I'm going to rent a movie from itunes & relax on my couch & think of nothing but the story unfolding in front of me. Takes me back to high school when I missed 1 or 2 days of school every week just to stay home & watch movies or read all day. I still passed all my classes with excellent grades so that wasn't a problem. I knew how to take advantage of the poor eduction system in California, yes I did.

I can't wait till summer vacation. I'm getting on a plane & going far far away from here.

I won't miss you home.

Well, maybe a little.

I'll have to wait & see.

(-.-)

I hate you today

I hate everything today.

I hate that I couldn't stay in that wonderful dream I was having.

I hate that I can't be alone today.

I hate that you didn't react how I wanted you to.

I hate that I've been called in to work early.

There's a hummingbird outside my window right now. I don't hate that.

Awww, it's tiny & beautiful. I think it's trying to tell me to get the hell over it. It's making me smile.

Alright. I'll make up my mind to get the hell over it then.

Thanks little bird.

(-.-)

Maybe not

Ok so maybe I didn't get addicted to this. Yet. I still might. It's been like 2 weeks I think. Maybe 1. I don't know.

Yesterday I took painkillers twice & I felt all whoozy like I was in space. Better than the PMS cramps though.

I also drank half a gallon of really cold chocolate milk. I do things like this when I'm on my period. It was truly delicious.

I'm not comfortable with how big my boobs are at the moment. They're practically spilling out of my bras. Stupid period. I'm so glad they're not normally like this. I'm really aware of them right now & feel like everyone's looking at them.

I'm sure it's all in my head though.

(-.-)

Giving it a go

I'm giving this blogging thing a go. People always ask you how you are & just as you're about to answer they go on & ask you something else or they look away. They're not even listening. They don't really care.

So I can write all the thoughts people don't care about here. I write in my journal all the time but this is kind of fun in a different way. I'm not telling anyone I know about it so I can be really honest without worrying I'll offend someone. :)

I'm not much into sharing my thoughts with people, never have been. I found early on that others couldn't relate to me on a deep connecting level & I couldn't to them. The things I thought about they didn't & vice versa.

I have a weird relationship with people. I dislike so much of the population. So many people are mean & selfish & a million other bad things. Boring, bigots, racists, liars etc.etc.

But I can love them too. I can talk easily to them even if I can't relate to their thoughts & I do care about what they have to say. I like to people watch. I wonder about their lives & why they are who they are & do what they do.

I bet I get really into this blogging business even though I fought getting one for so long.

It figures.

I'm making cookies on this Memorial Day holiday & I must go rescue them from the oven now.

If I could I'd share one with you.

(-.-)